


Voice

by LittleMissOddballl (LittleMissOddball)



Category: BTOB
Genre: Iljae side, KwangSik side, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-05-19 04:16:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14866421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMissOddball/pseuds/LittleMissOddballl
Summary: MinKwang AU as inspired by @/ilhoonsmelody’s IlJae AUThis story takes Minhyuk’s POV as he realizes the gravity of his mistake, watching Eunkwang move on after Minhyuk decides to end it all.





	1. I Miss You: Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a fanfic inspired by an SNS au by ilhoonsmelody on twitter! Do check out her AU. It's a little spin-off I thought of after Minhyuk decides he misses the times he had with Eunkwang after seeing Eunkwang doing better even without him. 
> 
> The title is based from the song this was based off of and it's Voice by Aimer  
> Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uV7J1d81KG0
> 
> ((it's been a while so I'm a little rusty, but do feel free to send criticisms~))  
> -LittleMissOddball

_Night too long for me all alone_

_Hey, are you seeing dreams tonight?_

_Hold these unfulfilled wishes into my heart made my lament lost in vain_

_If I can, I don’t mind_

_losing these kind of feelings_

Outside, the wind grew strong. The clouds moved swiftly by, covering any trace of that cosmic light. Not a single star was in the sky. In the solace of my one-man bachelor pad, the soft scent of tobacco and whiskey filled my room. I lay in bed with only the faint light radiating from my phone as the only thing that illuminated inside the darkness of my room. My eyes are fixed on the screen, scrolling through the white and blue text bubbles of what used to be the only most perfect thing to have ever come across my life. Of words of love and adoration, what used to be my whole world, my every waking moment. So much has been said, so much have been felt. And yet…

_“Let’s end this.”_

Three words. All it takes is three words. Everything began with three words and ironically enough it takes three words to watch the world we have created to collapse under our feet. All the made-up excuses, the lies and deception. I wanted to be free, I thought I deserved so much more and what you and I had was not what I needed. My selfish heart took over me. I desired more. And in my mind, that was not you. And yet here I am, broken and alone. The stars shed no light on the life I thought I wanted. No amount of fame, medals, or women would be able to fill the void that I have created. The day I left you for my selfish desires was the day I forgot who I was. I had corrupted your world and unknowingly I had let go of the one thing I never knew was worth more than the selfish desires that whispered its villainous blasphemies in my ear with its sweet words of the promise of temptations and happiness. I lay alone in bed, caressing the radiant face on my screen. Oh, why do you smile this way? Who makes you smile like this now? Do you still smile when you remember the memories we had? My love, my Silverlight., oh what could have been? But what could I have done?

_“Eunkwang, I miss you. “_

This feeling of longing, I brought upon myself. I close my eyes in hopes of forgetting your essence, your scent, your warmth yet I yearn for you so much I find myself drowning in memories of you. I miss your laughs, your shy giggles when I hug you, the soft voice you used to call my name in pleasure; that voice only I would ever hear at night. And the morning, your tender, white skin shines brighter than the spilling rays of the sun. As you come in with the most radiant smile, carrying a tray of my favorite dish, as you smile against my kisses. As you hold me tight, skin on skin, our sweat mixing with one another.

If you see me now, would I look pathetic?

If I could, I would rewrite these memories, start over as a blank, as if my world was never made of you and would never be made of you.

But it’s too late. These memories of bliss.

They are all I have now.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm back with part 2!  
> And I hope you're ready for some Minkwang goodness 'cause this might just be my favorite chapter so far
> 
> As always listen to Aimer's Voice and if you have the time check out the rest of her album Midnight Sun.   
> Hit me up here:
> 
> TWT: elhoonie  
> IG: cessabean

_I wonder why, I’m shedding tears?_

_I wonder why I’m looking so sad?_

_I wonder why, I couldn’t forget you completely?_

_I wonder why, I couldn’t put it into a voice?_

_I don’t understand I just wanna be by your side_?

I shut my phone in hopes that my loneliness and memories of you might slowly diminish in my dreams. Slipping my phone under my pillow, I roll over on my side and try to close my eyes, submitting myself to the ghost of sleep when I feel the soft vibration from underneath my pillow. I wanted nothing more than to rest but constant buzz irked me enough that I reluctantly grabbed my phone from where it sat. I wanted to switch it off as soon as the screen shone brightly in my face when my eyes caught on to a SNOW notification of a new post from Hyunsik, one of which I haven’t received in months. I immediately sat up and opened the notification bar and was set back by bittersweet surprise.

It was of Sungjae and Ilhoon in a candy filter of pink and flowery textures, with Sungjae carrying Ilhoon on his back, both looked so happy and in love. In their eyes were gems that sparkled the way my eyes once did when I looked at you. I had not known of the situation between the two younger ones other than Ilhoon’s hidden affections toward the younger Sungjae. As I stared, a small smile had unconsciously made its way to my lips. I immediately stop myself before I could conjure up anymore thoughts of you. Of our happy days together. I quickly hid my phone once again and lay back to bed to try and get some rest but again, you’re all I see and the guilt of longing for you swells in my chest I find myself crying myself to sleep once again. The next morning, I awake irritable to the sound of my alarm banging and vibrating under my head. I quickly turn it off before I threw it outside the window. I walked to the bathroom heading to the mirror and seeing my pathetic state: swollen eyes drooping bags under my eyes and a splitting headache from my soundless sobbing. My hair is in a royal mess, branching everywhere. I look like I hadn’t eaten in days with huge blob of hair at the bottom of my chin unshaved for the past three days. I scoff as I remember how you would wake me up with gentle kisses and then chastise me about my unkempt look. _“_

_Your fans wouldn’t wanna look at that scrunchy face of yours. You look like I don’t feed you enough. I don’t even wanna kiss you.” Eunkwang scolds from across the room, the sound of sizzling from the kitchen and the smell of cooking eggs and sausages flowing into our room._

_I sit half naked in bed, with only the blanket to cover my lower half and smirk at him working his way around the pots and pans. He wore my white shirt with nothing underneath and his hair was just equally as ruffled from last night. I gently move from the room and to him, taking him from behind and taking in his scent._

_Eunkwang, with spatula in hand, jumps in surprise._

_“Minhyuk, watch it! I might burn you!”_

_“_ _So you won’t kiss me anymore?” I softly place a peck on his left cheek and to which he responds with a kiss of his own._

_“Silly.” Eunkwang then brings our lips together and smiles into the kiss. It takes all my effort not to push him onto the counter and forget about breakfast. But it was gentle and romantic, it was worth more than an extension to all our nightly pleasures. He breaks the kiss and takes my face his hands, our foreheads touch. “I awake every morning, yearning for your lips on mine, love.”_

_I felt a snap from my rationality “AH! Enough! I don’t care about breakfast, back to bed with you.” I scoop him in my arms like a princess and he squirmed in retaliation, screaming about burnt eggs and smoking rooms while giggling between his mires. But I could care less. He was all I wanted, everything I needed._

_I throw him into bed and I start trickling gentle pecks on his neck, his cheeks, his chest, leaving marks where only I could see. I travelled my touch in every nook and cranny, feeling his tongue playing with mine. His hair was soft in my hands and his desperate cries for help and heavy breathing echoes in my ear as he gently whimpers for more brought me to my edge as he screamed my name in pleasure. Our breaths filled the room and we lay there in each other arms as if it were just us two, as if time had stopped for us both and the world revolved around us simply being beside each other, until the sound of the smoke detectors shatters time and we giggle as we struggle to put out the rising smoke over the stove._

With a cup of coffee in hand, my eyes staring into nothingness, I snap out of my reverie as my phone suddenly rang its familiar call tone. It was the tone I set for who is now supposedly the meaning of existence for me. No doubt to talk about why I had suddenly decided to break it off with her last night over text. She had been the reason I could momentarily forget about you, she is the reason I live this. She was what I thought I needed, what I deserved.

How wrong I was.

I let my phone ring, echoing in the silence of my room as I continued to sip on my bitter coffee, thinking, how sweet it was. I stared outside my window, taking in what little light could give me the warmth only you could ever offer.


	3. You in the Audience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 3! >.< We're nearing the end but I'm having too much fun.  
> As always, this is best read with Aimer's Voice from her Midnight Sun album. Check that out when you have the time as well as @/ilhoonsmelody's SNS AU. She's doing a new one right now but she has the AU from where this fic was inspired from in her pinned~ Give her lots of love
> 
> Hit me up here:  
> TWT: @/elhoonie  
> IG: cessabean

_These unknown anxieties,_

_blurred out the glowing streets_

_and left behind those overflowing memories_

_Just unfamiliar faces,_

_come and go within this crowd_

After purchasing take-out café americano from the local coffee shop, I sprinted slowly towards the gym for my morning practices with the rest of the national athletics team. The sun was warm against my skin, yet I could feel the cold crisp air blow against my face as my moved past the familiar buildings, my sneakers leaving small inaudible sounds while walking. The gym was a few minutes’ walk from the apartment I had rented out. Ever since I became a national athlete he had to be in early every day of the week to train himself for future competitions. Because of the demand of my rigorous training, I decided to leave my hometown and move nearby to make use of the extra time of travel which I could have spent training. The city I had moved to always looked to different in the morning. I admired the people walking by as well as the buildings lined along the streets. Turning right at a corner where a retail store stood, you could see the massive gym with the name of the gym written proudly in bold Korean characters in plain view. It had a green dome and a bright white façade that stands out especially on sunny days like this. Nearing the gym, I took a final sip of my coffee, dropped it in the nearest garbage bin then sprinted slowly up the slope. Upon arrival on the gym grounds, I headed straight for the main hall, opening the doors to the loud sounds of grunting on the other side which meant that they have started morning routines.

As I entered, a few of the female athletes turned their heads with a wide smile across their faces. They dropped whatever they were doing and started flocking towards me while the male athletes at the back simply grunted and returned to what they were doing. I simply sighed at the usual fiasco. I was well-aware of how my appearances were received by my colleagues. In fact, I am not ashamed of the fact that I am quite good looking with a good build for someone my age. I played a gentleman and I treated people well and I had a cute eye smile that made people feel special and welcome. Overall, I was the perfect prince, the male protagonist in any shoujo anime that always gets the girl, the shining character everyone falls for. I knew my actions gained me the attention and affection of my female colleagues where my male colleagues would hiss at disgust. I knew when women athletes were sending me suggestive glances and touches. But being the gentleman I’ve painted myself to be, I couldn’t push them away. All I could do was accept them with wide smiles and gentle tones. Nevertheless, with every brush of skin I could feel myself slowly retreating into myself, wanting to break away completely. I felt suffocated, like two hands wrung around my neck, depriving me of air. My vision blurs to nothingness. I see nothing but figures and shadows. I hear their voices ringing in my ears, but it’s muffled and unclear.

Yet I continue to smile like it’s nothing for in the distance I see you, sitting there, waving at me with the same wide smile you used to put on whenever you went to my games. Louder than the voice of any stadium audience, fiercer than any cheering squad, you raise the banner you lovingly made with tarpaulin and Sharpie colored markers the night before in our apartment, my name scribbled in beautifully hangul calligraphy, and littered with little red hearts and yellow sparkles. I sit in the couch just watching you work, explaining how your mere presence is enough to power me through the games.

_“I know that. But the stadium audience doesn’t.”_ You say, your eyes still fixed at the work at hand. I simply smile and leave you alone to fix you a cup of coffee.

The next morning, you accompany me to the games, eyes beaming with pride, with your coarse voice drowning out the sounds of the rest of the people in the stadium. I laugh in the middle of the games whenever I hear you screaming at the top of your lungs. I laugh so much that I don’t realize I made it to the finish line. I sometimes finish first. At times I finish last. But nonetheless, your voice remained unchanging until the end of the day. Whether I won or not, you were always there, always ready to welcome me, calling me your MVP, your favorite star. Afterwards we grab dinner in celebration and then we come home, and you shower me with compliments and kisses as we huddle under the blanket, warm in each other’s embrace.

The sound of the coach’s voice ring in my ears, snapping me out of my reverie. The athletes fawning over me now quickly leave my side and back to their routines, gaining them an earful. I turn my back from the scene and move somewhere quiet to prepare warm up for the rigorous pyramids I would be subjected today just for being late. I pop my headphones in and set my phone on shuffle. I flinch as the first song I hear was the song that will always remind me of you and the longing I once and still have for you. I shake my head as if to shake off thoughts of you, to no avail.

I shift my focus on my warm-ups and live with what I’ve brought upon myself.

_“If this voice_

_couldn’t reach you,_

_I don’t mind losing it”_


	4. The One That Slipped Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'm sorry I just updated TTT I just got back from fieldwork and I had to write the output so I had to focus on that one~ This is second to the last part so to those who have read up until now, thank you so much m(__ __)m. I had fun writing this fic! So I hope you enjoyed too~
> 
> Anyway, as usual, read with Aimer's Voice for full experience and check out my other works too if you like~! Feel free to leave a review. Criticism is the best teacher after all :3  
> Love lots!  
> -LittleMissOddball

_I wonder why, these tears unstoppable?_

_I wonder why, I want your touch?_

_I wonder why, I wanna be beautiful?_

_I wonder why, I want to hear your voice?_

_I don’t understand I just wanna be by your side?_

Around half past 12 in the afternoon, the coach called break time. I look up from my routine, beads of sweet dripping from the loose thread of hairs hanging over my head. It felt sticky and the stuffy despite the gym hall being completely open. I even had to take off my tank top in the middle of my pyramid exercises. Before anyone could approach me, I moved from the crowd carrying my lunch and things when one of the few male friends, N, came up to me, wringing his shoulder around my own.

“You haven’t been yourself lately, man? Everything okay?” he asked with a tone clearly concerned.

I ignored the churning at the pit of my stomach and simply answered him, “I’m fine. Just a little on edge, I guess what with nationals coming up.”

"Ah, nationals. It’s been 6 months since you came to us after you were scouted during regionals. He’s had his eye on you ever since that competition, a year ago. Remember that? The one with the excessively loud male fan at the bleachers cheering your team on.”

N just guffawed at the memory. I flinched, remembering that day. It was the decisive moment of my career and how I would be an important asset to the team. I had bagged the victory for the Athletics team which allowed us to gun for regionals eventually landing me my current spot here in the national team. You were there, as usual waving your self made banner in the dome, screaming at the top of your lungs cheering us on. Your voice was hoarse at the end of the day and it didn’t help that I could not keep my hands off you the moment we stepped into my apartment. The next morning, it was almost like you lost your voice, our bodies both sore as we lay sleeping in bed from the aggressive night before. We stayed at home, just holding onto each other, wrapped in a blanket, watching television. We made out on the couch, in the bathroom. The scent of our bodies filled the room until another evening came, still our hands explored every nook and cranny. Every time it felt like touching you for the first time. I took my time, careful not to break you. You always asked me not to, but I loved you too much to put you in pain. You’d reach up to me and wrap your legs around me, bury your head in the crook of my neck and say the words that would drive me off the edge and completely make me lose control of myself.

The sun is setting now as I silently walk back to my apartment. But before I confine myself in a box that resonates memories of you, I make a small detour towards the coffee shop where I bought my morning coffee. The outside of the shop was small and dainty, like a French café that line the Paris sidewalks. I swing the door open, the sound of the bell above me signaling the entrance of a new customer. I find an empty seat and leave my bag and then head for the counter with my phone and my wallet. The line was not long, so it did not take me too long to be able to order my drink. I return to my table and sit for a while scrolling through Snapchat. I open up one of the stories and flip through them until I reach another one of Hyunsik’s stories of Ilhoon and Sungjae being a happy couple, laughing at each other, no doubt a joke, which Hyunsik captioned “y’alls are cute af”. I smiled as I flipped to the next story, It disappeared when my eyes fell to a familiar figure in Hyunsik’s video.

Petite and small but well built nonetheless. Jet black hair the reached his faery-like ears. Eyes that squinted whenever he smiled. He sat happily with Changsub and Peniel. Hyunsik was asking him what he was doing here with the rest of the gang, teasing him that this was a “no-old men” zone. He sulks and whines, the way he does when the others would mock him in a friendly way. The pain in my chest grew and I closed the story window and took hold of the steaming coffee in front of me.

I fixed my gaze outside “I should…unfollow all of them.” I whisper to myself “I will only keep seeing traces of him if I keep this façade up.”

Suddenly I’m startled as I hear a crash followed by the hollow thud from what could possibly be the tray from behind me. I quickly swivel my head to the source of the sound. What I saw next sent shockwaves down my spine. The café was silent, all eyes were turned to the man standing amidst the dropped tray and broken pieces of white glass pieces strewn all over the floor, his mouth agape, and horror was clear in his eyes. The once white tiles were now covered in brown brewed liquid and thick whipped cream. All time seemed to stand still, I could hardly move from where I was. It was like he had come out from the video itself. He wore the same suit with his hair styled in the same way. His hands were up to his chest and his face was a mix of horror and shock, anguish and confusion. I felt the small tremors in my arms move on their own and before I could even understand what was going on, I broke the silence that existed only between us.

“Eunkwang, it’s you."

“M-Minhyuk…what…”

I inched forward, my hands stretched out to you. But like a spell that’s been broken, you moved a step back, your legs trembling, water swelled in your eyes as you quickly made for the door, once again escaping my grasp.

I stood there, alone.

I heard nothing.

I felt nothing.

Just an empty void remained that for a second felt full of life by simply seeing you standing there.


	5. Memories Remain As It Should

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAND IT'S DONE!  
> I had a hard time writing this. Partly because I had to make it as sad as I can, something I don't want any of my characters to go through. HAHA But it's finally done so onto my next project!   
> I hope you enjoyed reading this little angst Minkwang series as much as I enjoyed writing it. Kudos to @ilhoonsmelody/nia (i miss you bby stay safe, kay?) for a job well done on her AU. This is my little present to you and your lovely AU's
> 
> Love Lots!  
> -LittleMissOddball

_I wonder why, I’m shedding tears?_

_Those sad words dance in the air_

_I wonder why, I couldn’t forget you completely? I_

_wonder why, It’s so painful?_

_I don’t understand I just wanna be by your side_

I tried running after you but you were already gone. I must’ve run three blocks trying to find you. I called you so many times. I just had to see you again. I needed to talk to you. I wanted to hold you again. And this time…THIS TIME…for sure I swore I would never hurt you again.

But I was too late. You were nowhere to be found. You had slipped past me and I foolishly let you go. I went back inside the café and helped the owner clean up the mess before leaving for my apartment. There I tried calling you again in hopes that maybe seeing me today, no matter how by accident, you’d allow me to talk to you. It was no use. I waited for another hour to call you and when I did I realized you had blocked me completely. Unreachable, that’s what you are to me. I sat on the porch dazed when suddenly my phone vibrated my call tone.

An unknown number registered but my heart leaped at the possibility that it could have been you calling me back. I quickly answered the phone unaware of the eager tone of my voice.

“Hello?! Eunkwang?! Is that you?! Thank goodness you called me back. Can we talk, please let me---”

“Hyung? it’s Hyunsik.”

The words just drowned in my ears as a deeper baritone voice registered over the other side. “O-Oh. Hyunsik, it’s you.”

“I’m sorry I’m not who you wanted to hear, but I called on Eunkwang's behalf.”

_A sliver of hope. “_ From Eunkwang?! Is he there?! Let me talk to him I’m begging you Hyunsik, please.” “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, Hyung. He, Eunkwang, doesn’t want to talk.”

There’s a constriction in my breathing as Hyunsik spoke those words. I knew what they meant, loud and clear. Yet I couldn’t let go of that sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe he’d come back to me. “T-Then tell him I’ll wait! I’ll wait no matter how long, I’ll do it. Just please let me talk to Eunkwang!”

At this point I’m already screaming at my phone but I was desperate. I needed something. Anything that needed to turn my memories, our memories, back into reality. If I could somehow make my way to you...

“I don’t think you understand what I mean. He doesn’t want to talk. Not now. Not ever.”

“Hyunsik, you don’t understand---”

“Goodbye, hyung.”

I pleaded Hyunsik not to drop the call. I screamed, at the empty dial tone that now rang repeatedly. I refused to let go. I refused to admit that it was all over. But I knew, like everything, just like that the tone went flat. I remained on the porch frozen, clutching onto my phone, in disbelief. Onlookers below and among the windows of the neighboring complexes stared at the buzz that was disturbing their evening preparations.

The sun had set completely, visible from my porch are the stars, as if in a chorale singing a faraway song. I stood, my head tilted to the clear sky, gazing at the cosmic song. My phone rests upon the balcony, the dial tone I felt I heard more than a thousand times now, sings along to its echoes. Then as if on cue, the cosmic conductor decides to play the grand chorus. Along with the songs of the stars, flow the endless tears from the heavens, drowning out the onlookers and its audience, drowning out the sounds of even my own tears streaming down my cheeks as the stars bid its goodbyes, never to be seen again behind the grand curtain of grey and darkness as I, unworthy to even call out your name, that sweet name that flows perfectly as I spoke each sound; in a voice desperate for you and the memories of you, pleaded once again,

_"I wonder why, these tears unstoppable?_

_I wonder why, my heart felt so painful? I_

_wonder why, I’m so longing for your voice?_

_I wonder why, I couldn’t put it into a voice?_

_I don’t understand I just want to be by your side"_


End file.
